


you know damn well for you i would ruin myself

by The_Bisexual_From_Hell



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Engagement, F/M, Happy Ending, Karaoke, Sad with a Happy Ending, Song: illicit affairs (Taylor Swift), Team as Family, fuck 2x14 and 2x15 idk them, hits harder if you listen to illicit affairs while reading, it was a song written for them, vic is sad until she isn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28681194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Bisexual_From_Hell/pseuds/The_Bisexual_From_Hell
Summary: Victoria Hughes was historically not good at keeping secrets.It was also true that Victoria Hughes had been keeping the biggest secret of her life for over a year and four months.To be perfectly honest with herself, it was tearing her up from the inside out. The guilt, the lies, the close calls. She didn’t know how much longer she could keep going. She loved Lucas Ripley, more than she had loved anyone else, he was the love of her goddamned life, but being with him was destroying her.
Relationships: Victoria Hughes/Lucas Ripley
Comments: 7
Kudos: 40





	you know damn well for you i would ruin myself

**Author's Note:**

> It has a happy ending please don't kill me.
> 
> I'm sorry for any mistakes, English isn't my first language and my only beta is Grammarly

Victoria Hughes was historically not good at keeping secrets. 

It was also true that Victoria Hughes had been keeping the biggest secret of her life for over a year and four months. 

To be perfectly honest with herself, it was tearing her up from the inside out. The guilt, the lies, the close calls. She didn’t know for how much longer she could keep going. She loved Lucas Ripley, more than she had loved anyone else, he was the love of her goddamned life, but being with him was destroying her. 

**come over tonight?**

The text from Mr. Hypothetical came in. She really wanted to go to his place, but it would be the third time this week and her team was getting suspicious. Vic knew they probably thought she was seeing someone, they had all hinted at it, but they didn’t know who she was seeing or how serious it was. 

**can’t, i'm having drinks with the team, don’t want to be suspicious. love you**

**love you too eggy**

And that was the end, she knew he wouldn't text her again until she told him she was alone and away from her team. He never did. Vic knew the secrecy was hard on him too, he had as much if not more on the line than her. That didn’t mean it was the same thing, she was keeping secrets from her family, the people she ran into burning buildings with, if they couldn’t trust each other how were they supposed to work as a team? All the important people in his life knew, Jennifer and Sullivan. 

“It’s karaoke night at the bar tonight,” Dean’s words pulling her from her thoughts. Dean loved karaoke night, he would always leave the bar with a woman on karaoke night, his voice was good enough to be on Broadway after all. 

“20 bucks I get a girl to leave with me before you do Miller” Spoke Maya, as she walked outside the station to join them. 

“You’re on Bishop, I’m gonna crush you.” He said, before pausing and looking at Vic “You want in on this Vic? We all know you’re a hotshot during karaoke nights.” 

It was true, before Lucas, she did usually go home with someone hot after karaoke night like it was the easiest thing in the world. Her singing voice was also good enough to get her on Broadway, if she hadn’t joined the fire academy, it’s probably where she would be right now. 

“Nah, I’m not feeling too hot right now, might be coming down with something,” She was getting good at lying and it made her insides churn with discomfort. 

“Hmm yeah, is that what we’re calling it now?” Maya asked and Dean nodded in agreement, they knew Vic was seeing someone, and she was keeping it close to her chest, maybe it was beginning to bug them. 

Before Vic would reply, the rest of the team came out of the station, all in civilian clothes. They had agreed it had been a while since they had a karaoke night station 19 style and after all the shit they had gone through in the last couple of months it was highly needed. 

“I invited Sullivan, but he told me he couldn’t make it, so we should just get going,” Andy said and Vic was thankful for the change in the conversation and for the fact that Sullivan wasn’t coming. She had nothing against the Capitan, in fact, she really liked him, but things had been extremely awkward between them ever since that one conversion they had about her and Lucas’ relationship. 

The bar wasn’t as packed as it usually was, maybe because it was early. Since it was a post-shift hangout, they had all ordered some food, Vic had only gotten some curly fries, she wasn’t kidding, lying really did make her sick to her stomach. 

“You okay?” Travis said to her softly, he was worried for his best friend, he knew how much she loved Ripley, but he also knew the toll that hiding was having on her. 

“Yeah, bad day is all,” Vic knew that wasn’t nearly as convincing as she wanted it to sound. “Don’t worry about me, seriously I’ll be fine, I’ll figure it out.” 

Travis flashed her a sad sympathetic smile and ordered vodka shots for the both of them. Three beers and five vodka shots later, Vic was drunk. Under normal circumstances, Vic tended to be a happy fun drunk but today, she was just sad. 

“Viiiiic,” Andy’s words were slurred, Vic wasn’t the only one drunk tonight. “It’s your turn to sing,” 

“I’m not in the mood tonight Andy,” Vic was going for a firm voice tone, but even to her, it sounded pathetically sad. 

“Come on Hughie, it’ll make you feel better,” Jack only called her Hughie when he was drunk or when he wanted to comfort her, tonight Vic didn’t know the reason, maybe it was both. 

“Yeah, you gotta Vic,” Maya backed him up. 

“At least sing one song, before I go pick up Miranda from the hospital” Chimed in Ben. 

“Hughes, Hughes, Hughes, Hughes,” Dean started chanting. 

“Fineeeeeeee,” She stood up and walked towards the mic.

“You only get this one tonight, enjoy it,” Vic yelled back at her friends, and she saw Travis take out his phone to record her. It made her snort. 

She was browsing through the song options, not really keen on any of them. Until she saw one that made her stop in her tracks, it was depressing as hell but it fit her mood too well not to sing it. The soft beat of illicit affairs by Taylor Swift rang through the air. Jack and Travis threw her concerned looks. 

  
  


_Make sure nobody sees you leave_

_Hood over your head, keep your eyes down_

_Tell your friends you're out for a run_

_You'll be flushed when you return_

She was constantly sneaking him in and out of the apartment. One time he left out the fire escape when Andy and Maya dropped by without letting her know. He always parked at least 5 blocks away. Always wore a hoodie over his uniform. 

_Take the road less traveled by_

_Tell yourself you can always stop_

_What started in beautiful rooms_

_Ends with meetings in parking lots_

She had been a fool, thinking it was every casual, that they could every stop without consequences, that he wouldn’t break her heart one way or another. Images of stolen moments in the turnout room and getting caught in the parking lot of the diner flashed through her mind. 

_And that's the thing about illicit affairs_

_And clandestine meetings and longing stares_

_It's born from just one single glance_

_But it dies, and it dies, and it dies_

_A million little times_

Her voice was filled with emotions. She was letting all of the anger and resentment and guilt out. The simple truth, a truth she couldn’t even admit to herself was that whatever she and Lucas had going on, needed to stop before it killed her.

_Leave the perfume on the shelf_

_That you picked out just for him_

_So you leave no trace behind_

_Like you don't even exist_

Flirting while on the job. Pretending the other didn’t exist as soon as someone walked into the room. They had no photos together since they couldn't risk getting exposed. If anything were to happen to one of them, there would be no proof of the existence of their relationship. 

_Take the words for what they are_

_A dwindling, mercurial high_

_A drug that only worked_

_The first few hundred times_

The secrecy had been appealing at first, it made her feel adventurous and fun. She had thoroughly enjoyed it for the first few months. It had gotten old and tedious fast. His words of reassurance that things would work out now felt hollow. 

_And that's the thing about illicit affairs_

_And clandestine meetings and stolen stares_

_They show their truth one single time_

_But they lie, and they lie, and they lie_

_A million little times_

The truth was that they were liars. Victoria lied so much these days, she was scared she would forget what the truth was. She was scared she would forget herself. 

_And you wanna scream_

_Don't call me "kid, " don't call me "baby"_

_Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me_

_You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else_

_Don't call me "kid, " don't call me "baby"_

_Look at this idiotic fool that you made me_

_You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else_

Their relationship was a ticking time bomb, a mess from all angles, it made absolutely no sense, none of that mattered to either of them. Lucas had taught morse code for fun, so he could tap ‘I love you’ on the table when he came over to 19. Now the sound of tapping made her want to pull her hair out. 

_And you know damn well_

_For you I would ruin myself_

_A million little times_

She already was ruining herself for him, all the time. He had done the same for her. Their love was all-consuming, it would probably end them both if something didn’t change soon. She was too damn addicted to him to stop now. 

Victoria Hughes had sealed her fate the first time she kissed him. She was ready to face the music. 

Once the song ended, Vic left the mic back in its place and for the first time since she had started singing looked back at her friends. Unsurprisingly, they all had varying looks of concern and were throwing her pitiful glances. 

Maya had known Vic was seeing someone, her best friend really couldn’t keep a secret, even if Vic was doing better than usual because none of them knew who she was dating. Over the last couple of months, Maya had noticed Vic seemed worried more often, she plastered on fake smiles more than usual. She felt bad, between all of the drama with Andy and Jack, Maya had somewhat neglected her friendship with Vic, and now her friend was here giving the performance of a lifetime, broken heart singing to Taylor Swift and Maya didn’t even know why. 

Andy was captivated by how Vic sang. She had always known her friend possessed an incredible singing voice, hell, she had heard Vic sing many times before. Tonight was different, Vic had started crying, the emotion was palpable in her voice and it felt like one the most intimate things Andy had ever witnessed, she had to fight the urge to look away. 

Dean had been worried about Vic for a while now. The average person might not have noticed it, but Dean loved Vic a lot, she was one of his best friends, probably his best friend after Jack, which meant he paid attention. Lately, she hadn’t seemed like herself, keeping secrets and pretending to be happy, all while she always arrived to the station with swagger. 

Ben had worked at Grey-Sloan long enough to recognize when someone was in a secret and/or possibly inappropriate relationship. He had spotted all the signs on Vic months ago, and chosen to say nothing, he didn’t want to cause any trouble. After the song she had just performed, it clicked in Ben’s mind what the problem was, she was clearly seeing a married man. Those kinds of relationships were always a disaster. 

Jack had known what was happening since the beginning. At first, he hadn’t really cared much, he figured it was just meaningless hookups, then he had been too wrapped up in his PTSD to pay attention to the details. Except, one day Vic had paid him a visit and told him all about her own PTSD and about how she had been going to therapy, and then she had told him all about Ripley because he was the only one who knew. It had been over a year since then, and he had seen how much her relationship with Ripley meant to her, but he had also seen how difficult it was getting to hide it. He hadn’t known how difficult things had been until she started singing. 

Travis had been worried for months now. He remembered the fight Vic and Ripley had had about telling people, he remembered when Vic had explained the risks to him, about how Ripley could lose his job, or Vic could lose hers. She had even explained to Travis that if their relationship got out and HR knew Travis was aware that it was going on, he could suffer severe consequences too. Then, last week she came over to his place and they had gotten drunk together, it was then Vic confessed all she was feeling, she didn't remember in the morning. But even since that night, he was always checking up on her. When he had heard illicit affairs playing, he knew tonight was going to be a storm of feelings that had long been kept bottled up. 

As Vic made her way over to the booth, reality truly came crashing back to her, and she wanted nothing more than to go home to him, so he could make her forget all of her concerns. 

Wordlessly, Travis had passed her a napkin, when she didn’t react, he had carefully taken the napkin and dabbed gently at her face. Apparently, she had been crying and didn’t even notice. 

“Send me the video, please Travs,” She broke the silence. Travis didn’t even question it, he had sent her the video of what could have been the performance of a lifetime and she had sent it to Lucas. 

**we’ll tell hr on monday then, fuck the consequences, you matter more to me than this job.**

He replied. Lucas knew she had been struggling with secrecy for a while, he hadn’t known it was this bad. 

Vic armed herself up with all the courage she could muster and dialed his number. It didn’t matter that her entire crew was there with her. 

“Hi, baby” Vic sounded defeated. Lucas hated it with every fiber of his being. 

“Hey, Eggy.” Lucas tried to communicate the fact that he would do anything for her. 

“You know I’m all in right?” 

“I do. You know I’m all in too right?” 

“Never doubted you.” Her voice was cracking. “But I can’t keep doing this, I can keep destroying myself for us.”

“Victoria what are you saying?” He asked sharply. His heart stopped, she was breaking up with him, over the damn phone. 

“I’m saying I love you, I love you so much it’s tearing me apart, I love you so much it’s impossible for me to walk away,” He stayed quiet, she wasn’t finished. Vic took a deep breath, it was now or never “I’m saying, marry me, Lucas Ripley” 

The line had gone silent on his side. Her heart beat faster, the fear of rejection coursing through her veins. Vic had found out about the loophole a couple of weeks ago, she was sure he knew about it already, he just hadn’t wanted to pressure her into getting married for the sake of getting married. 

“Yes Victoria, of course, it’s a yes,” He had been half in love with her since the first time they had sex, he had been ready to marry her since they had their first fight. 

“That is a very wise decision obviously,” She chuckled with relief. It was all going to be fine, they would get married and the secrets would end. 

“Can’t wait to marry you Eggy. I love you,” Vic could practically feel Lucas’ smile over the phone. 

“Love you too Luke,” Vic hung up the phone and breathed in, for the first time in months, her chest didn’t feel like it was being crushed together by tons of rocks. 

“DID YOU JUST GET ENGAGED TO CHIEF RIPLEY?” Andy and Maya yelled in shock. Warren looked at her with understanding in his eyes, he had married a Chief too. Dean was clearly so shocked he couldn’t form words. Jack and Travis looked relieved. 

Vic smiled to herself, it was about time her illicit affair stopped. 

**Author's Note:**

> I just really believe that Taylor made this song for Vicley and only Vicley, it fits too damn well. 
> 
> Follow me on Twitter @DXNYARYA for more station 19/Grey’s Anatomy and other wacky stuff
> 
> Please leave a comment or a kudos it would make me the happiest person alive
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
